Let's canter to the crux: In this group, the Mercedes C320 offers the least horsepower (215) at the steepest base price ($40,644). That's not a swell combination. It's like a heavyweight boxer with Nancy Reagan's forearms.
This Benz quickly became regarded as the limousine of the bunch. Its ride is supple, as if there were four feet of suspension travel. And the cockpit is the quietest at wide-open throttle and at 70 mph -- like riding in the Town Car that collected you at the airport last week.
But in the hills, our C-class went all wobbly. Its body weaves and dips and bobs and rolls and dives and squats whenever you start working the contact patches. This doesn't seem to affect outright grip -- in fact, the C320 was a surprise winner on the skidpad -- but it sure distracts the pilot, who's bombarded by warnings of imminent tip, roll, and general mayhem when no such crises loom. What saved the Benz from embarrassment was its adaptive five-speed, which learns what mood you're in and is ever coiled to offer timely shifts and useful engine braking. That, and its brakes. In this class, a 172-foot stopping distance is the bee's knees.
We've also just about had it with Benz's traditional slow-mo throttle tip-in -- as if operated via various hawsers running through 20 feet of eaves troughing. Ditto the steering -- now rack and pinion -- which is improved but remains too heavy and slow-witted to satisfy. Those two traits alone do to the Benz's fun-to-drive quotient what CFO Scott Sullivan allegedly did to WorldCom stock. Why does the 3525-pound Benz feel as heavy as the Passat? The C320 takes itself too seriously, as if someone decreed, "Cut 90 percent of the fun and it'll be regarded as a miniature Maybach."
There are also ergonomic slip-ups that a company with Mercedes-Benz's experience shouldn't be making. The interior is sufficiently somber to depress a funeral director. The left side mirror is smaller than a dog's ear. The scatter of switches on the center stack resembles launch control. The tach is the same size as the fuel gauge. And the LCD showing what gear you're in -- a big deal with manumatics -- is so tiny as to be useless.
It's not for nothing that Benz drivers are regarded as rich. Our C320 was dipped in the optional Capri Blue paint. That cost $640. Except, in order even to ask for that option, you have to pony up a "Special Order" fee. Another $1000. The road to pretension is littered with, well, invoices.
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